What to do with the relationship lists?

Now you should have a good idea where your feelings are coming from.  Doing a reality check at this point is a good move. You can do this with a close friend or a professional such as a therapist. Having your lists will keep things focused. One of the key things about relationships is that you can change yourself and not your partner so focusing on your feelings, needs and expectations will help you decide what you want to do about them and what you want to do about the relationship.

Involving your partner

At some point you will want to involve your partner. Doing so after you have clearly identified your feelings and expectations and done a reality check is especially useful for those who have a tendency to cling to a relationship even if it is not meeting their needs or expectations. Staying in a relationship to avoid the pain and disruption of a breakup  or the feelings of rejection or loneliness is not healthy. For those who have been through a difficult divorce, such issues can arise and need to be identified and dealt with.

Doing this as a joint relationship exercise

You can also do this exercise with your partner if you wish and swap the lists. It can be a great way to get a discussion going but it has to be handled carefully.

Some good ground rules

• Understand from the beginning that your partner's expectations and feelings may differ from yours
• Be prepared to hear things you may not like
• Agree not to attack the other person or attempt to "change their mind"
• Appreciate the effort to share private and potentially difficult feelings

Being able to share such information and deal with it in a mature manner can help build a good foundation for your relationship. Open communication is essential to a good relationship. Allowing a partner to share their fears may help them identify them and deal with them. Being able to be that vulnerable and not being attacked or criticized may help ease them into greater intimacy and move them on to the next stage of the relationship.

On the other hand, these discussion may lead you or your partner to the conclusion that the relationship has no future. While this may be painful, it will end a potentially frustrating relationship and allow you to move onto a relationship where your needs and expectations are met.

In summary the key to commitment issues is to recognise them and deal with them even if the best course of action is to end the relationship at this time. Hopefully the decision will be to get remarried and work to make that actually happen.