The breakup of a relationship and especially a marriage can be quite unsettling and can lead to relationship problems down the road. One or other partner may encounter difficulties moving on to the next stage of the relationship. Unfortunately they may not be aware of the problem but the other partner may find them distant or avoiding certain situations or topics. This can be a very frustrating experience for both.

I am ready to commit to this relationship, to get remarried but my partner says they are not ready. What do I do?

It is not at all unusual for a couple to be in different stages of commitment to the relationship. If your partner is divorced, they may find it difficult to commit to marriage again especially if the divorce was difficult or there is an ongoing bad parenting relationship with their ex. Assessing your own needs and expectations as described below may help. Being supportive of your partner to help them feel security and comfortable is also helpful. However in the end, you cannot change the other person and if they cannot move forward, then you need to look closely at your own options.

My partner is ready to get married again but I feel nervous and do not feel ready to commit to getting remarried right now. What should I do?

Again this is not an unusual feeling. Be clear with your partner about how you are feeling at the moment. You will need to sit down and think  about how you are feeling and what is prompting these feelings. Using the self exam below may help identify the feelings you are having. If they are blocking you from enjoying your relationship or for achieving your goals for the relationship, you will probably need to do some work to overcome them.

Letting your partner know how you are feeling and that you are taking action will help them support you and decrease their anxiety about the future of the relationship. Get professional help if you are not making progress. Identifying what you want from a relationship and clearly communicating that will help the relationship move on whether it be to marriage or a decision to split and find a new relationship.

Be aware of your feelings about the relationship

If you are harboring feelings of frustration or even anger at the pace of the relationship, it is time to sit down and do a reality check. Talking to your partner straight away may cause them to deny such feelings and cause them to distance themselves further.

Relationship self exam

One way to approach this is to examine your own feelings. Putting a pen to paper is a good way to get started.

Write down the feelings you are having

List the hopes you have for the relationship e.g. kids, marriage, time-frame, step-kids

Step 3

• Look at the list from Step 1 and see if there are any underlying common themes
• Ask yourself if any of those are fear based e.g. I am afraid that .....
• Do any of these match anything on the list from Step 2 which is a list of your expectations of the relationship?
• Have you had these feelings before in other relationships? Are there patterns to how you feel?

What to do with the relationship lists?

Now you should have a good idea where your feelings are coming from.  Doing a reality check at this point is a good move. You can do this with a close friend or a professional such as a therapist. Having your lists will keep things focused. One of the key things about relationships is that you can change yourself and not your partner so focusing on your feelings, needs and expectations will help you decide what you want to do about them and what you want to do about the relationship.

Involving your partner

At some point you will want to involve your partner. Doing so after you have clearly identified your feelings and expectations and done a reality check is especially useful for those who have a tendency to cling to a relationship even if it is not meeting their needs or expectations. Staying in a relationship to avoid the pain and disruption of a breakup  or the feelings of rejection or loneliness is not healthy. For those who have been through a difficult divorce, such issues can arise and need to be identified and dealt with.

Doing this as a joint relationship exercise

You can also do this exercise with your partner if you wish and swap the lists. It can be a great way to get a discussion going but it has to be handled carefully.

Some good ground rules

• Understand from the beginning that your partner's expectations and feelings may differ from yours
• Be prepared to hear things you may not like
• Agree not to attack the other person or attempt to "change their mind"
• Appreciate the effort to share private and potentially difficult feelings

Being able to share such information and deal with it in a mature manner can help build a good foundation for your relationship. Open communication is essential to a good relationship. Allowing a partner to share their fears may help them identify them and deal with them. Being able to be that vulnerable and not being attacked or criticized may help ease them into greater intimacy and move them on to the next stage of the relationship.

On the other hand, these discussion may lead you or your partner to the conclusion that the relationship has no future. While this may be painful, it will end a potentially frustrating relationship and allow you to move onto a relationship where your needs and expectations are met.

In summary the key to commitment issues is to recognise them and deal with them even if the best course of action is to end the relationship at this time. Hopefully the decision will be to get remarried and work to make that actually happen.